Moonlighting
by warner905
Summary: A year following the Battle of Hogwarts, Hermione finally graduates from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and goes to visit her family in Muggle London. She accidentally stumbles across the Malfoy patriarch in his attempt to rebuild his fortune and dynasty. If only someone could obliviate her and put her out of her misery…
1. Chapter 1 - Blast From The Past (1999)

Author's disclaimer: The world of Harry Potter and everything in it belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Brother and Bloomsbury Publishing and Arthur A. Levine Books.

All of the chapter titles and other film references belong to the various film distribution studios and other copyright owners. No copyright infringement intended, only a bit of fun :)

* * *

Chapter 1 – _Blast From The Past_ (1999)

"Grande mocha!"

Hermione Granger elbowed her way through the throng of women that had suddenly flooded the coffee shop to pick up her drink order. Smiling her thanks at the frazzled barista, she took a sip of her coffee, nodded her approval, and then turned towards the exit. Taking another drink, she took a few steps forward before she saw the image that made her choke.

Sputtering, she grabbed onto the counter as she tried to recover from the shock of seeing that face from her past – a face that has reappeared to her in the most unlikely place imaginable.

"Malfoy…" Hermione gasped.

"Pardon me?" The middle-aged woman looked up, annoyed, from behind her paperback romance.

Hermione stuttered. "Nuh…nothing. Sorry to disturb you."

The woman looked at her strangely, sniffed, and then returned to her book.

Hermione closed her eyes, counted to ten, and then opened them slowly.

No, she had not been mistaken. That face. That hair. Lucius Malfoy was indeed present in front of her, with that signature blond _mane_ and his _shirt off_, plastered on the cover of that woman's book.

The swooning buxom brunette in his arms was most definitely NOT his wife, Narcissa.

In her haste to escape the offending book cover, Hermione stumbled out of the coffee shop, and spilled her coffee all over herself.

Sighing heavily, she looked around for an alleyway where she could take out her wand to discreetly scourgify the mess, when distinctly female screaming began to emanate around her.

What the…

A sea of women surged forward and carried Hermione down the street. Helpless, Hermione fought to keep herself from getting trampled on and went with the flow.

The screaming grew louder, more thunderous.

Finally the crowd stopped, but the shrieking unfortunately did not.

Hermione crawled between the legs of the demented females, and spotted a narrow pathway that seemed to be clear. She headed over in that direction, dodging stomping feet as she went.

She was covered in coffee, and completely dishevelled. The crowd suddenly lost control and just in the nick of time, Hermione emerged out of the fray. She found herself on the middle of a red carpet.

Standing up in the clearing, she dusted herself off and turned to leave when a black SUV pulled up, flashbulbs began popping, and the screaming reached a fever pitch. The vehicle doors swung open to reveal a resplendent Lucius Malfoy, in black, form fitting, very designy, muggle wear. He started waving and blowing kisses to the frenzied female horde braying at him. The screaming, if one could believe it, intensified. This time there was chanting. "Lucio! Lucio! Lucio!"

No. Freaking. Way.

Of course only Lucius Malfoy would choose such an obvious moniker. And decide to show up right at that moment. She had to get out of there. And get her hands on some brain bleach. Or better yet, turn around, return to Hogwarts and beg Professor McGonagall to obliviate this particular visual out of her head. Actually, make that two nasty visuals she just encountered within the last ten minutes.

Holding her hands up in surrender and nodding respectfully at the security guards who were finally moving towards her, she began to move towards the only escape route she could see – the entrance of her once beloved favourite Muggle book shop.

She was almost at the door when a possessed, deranged fan vaulted over the security barrier and threw herself onto the carpet. This prompted a wave of screaming fans to knock over the barrier and teem onto the carpet. The security detail was completely overwhelmed and once again Hermione was carried by the wave of frantic female bodies before being deposited in an undignified heap to the ground. Curling up into the fetal position, Hermione braced herself for the stampede and looked for an opportunity to safely apparate discreetly.

"Ladies," a familiar drawl invoked immediate silence and compliance.

This was her chance. She pulled out her wand, when a voice yelled "You! In the red coat!" and a gloved hand grasped her wrist firmly as she was tackled by a zealous security guard.

"Drop it," the voice bellowed.

Hermione's wand fell out of her hand as she surrendered. Now what?


	2. Chapter 2 - The Asphalt Jungle (1950)

A/N - I apologise if you get a notice - I was fixing some glaring grammatical errors that someone had pointed out to me plus had included the chapter titles.

Cheers and thanks for staying with me!

* * *

Chapter 2 – _The Asphalt Jungle_ (1950)

One phone call only. But to who?

Hermione worried her bottom lip as she considered and reconsidered her non-existent list of options.

Legal representation. Ha. The judge was going to love Kingsley Shacklebot's Order of Merlin credentials.

Her parents? Oh sweet Merlin, her parents. Hermione groaned and covered her face with her hands. This was not how she pictured her home-coming/re-union. She could not believe her impulsive decision for a cup of Americano on her way to her parent's home upon leaving the Hogwart's Express has resulted in her being held in jail.

She remembered the elation she felt on the day of her last exam when she received her letter from the Ministry of Magic advising her that Aurors had located her parents in Australia and convinced them to move to London so that she could restore their memories in person and be reunited at last. Hermione had been devastated in the months after the Battle of Hogwarts when she was unable to locate her parents. It was Kingsley who suggested to leave that responsibility with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement as an appreciation for her work in the downfall of Voldemort. He also pushed her to finish her magical education as a means to deal with the aftermath of the war.

And now her carefully planned out reunion is as ruined as her coffee. Another reason to curse the name of Malfoy… Oh yes the Malfoys. Hermione shuddered as a wave of anger passed through her. She never forgot the atrocities that had happened to her at Malfoy Manor shortly before the war ended.

Ok, focus Hermione. Plenty of time to bash Malfoys later. Focus. Phone call. Hermione ground her teeth, closed her eyes, and forced her mind back to the situation at hand.

Weasleys? Still bunkered down at the Burrow. Still in mourning. Still shell shocked from the war and the loss of their dear loved ones. Hermione sincerely hoped the Wizarding World recognizes the tremendous debt they owe to that wonderful family. Her thoughts lingered lovingly on Ron but knew he was of no help to her in this situation.

Harry? Also bunkered with the Weasleys. It was not fair to him the burden the Wizarding World had laid on his shoulders and cost him his innocence and his childhood. No, she would not call Harry. Plus she doubted that the court would accept her bail payment in galleons.

Perhaps she should have taken up Molly Weasley's offer for her to stay with them. But Hermione knew Kingsley was right about her – they both recognized that her healing lay in moving forward so she had declined. How she regretted turning down that offer. Tears started streaming down her face as the repressed flood of emotions threatened to burst through.

"Hello, Princess! Princess! Hello? I am talking to you! Look at me!"

Hermione lifted her face from her hands and looked up.

A tough, brassy blonde was standing in front of her, sneering down at her.

Merlin's Beard. What was it about her and blonds? Was she genetically pre-disposed to never getting along with them? Even around Luna Lovegood she had to sit on her own wand and grit her teeth. Never mind her father, Xenophilius Lovegood had sold them out to the Death Eaters in a fit of desperation.

Her mother's voice echoed in her head. Be nice Hermione. Play nicely now.

"You don't belong here, little piggy. Go cry wee wee wee all the way home." Laughter reverberated around her.

Hermione stared at her hands. This was not happening. She just fought a war dealing with the wizarding discrimination and prejudice she faced her entire adolescent life. She was not dealing with this again in the Muggle world, in jail, amongst "her people" as Draco Malfoy used to taunt her with all through school. Genetic clone progeny to that racist Death Eater Lucius Malfoy who tried to kill her and her friends in the past. And here before her, was another blonde taunting her…

"Look at the Princess, so regal in her mud covered coat. At least I hope that it's just mud."

Hermione was on her feet in a flash. "Shut up!" she screamed.

The Blonde showed her horrid teeth and moved closer. "I was wondering if you had any backbone. So what do you think you are going to do? You're all alone." She gestured to her entourage of other brassy, hard looking women behind her.

Hermione's wand hand instinctively leaped into her empty pocket. Bad move. Very bad move. Right away, the Blonde's entourage knocked her down and held her as she viciously writhed to free herself.

She was saved by the guard.

"Settle down ladies!" The women released her.

The Blonde smirked and said "She threatened me."

The guard rolled her eyes and called out "Granger! Hermione Granger!"

Hermione scrambled to her feet. "That's me."

The guard looked her over, and satisfied that there was no apparent injury, signalled her to the door. "You have visitors. Follow me."

Visitors? But who could possibly know she was there?


	3. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (1966)

Chapter 3 – _The Good, The Bad and The Ugly/ Il buono, il brutto, il cattivo_ (1966)

Hermione froze in the doorway of the visitor's room.

The guard impatiently prodded her from behind. "Go on!"

At the table, sat the immaculate Narcissa and Draco Malfoy, and Draco's everlasting sidekick, Gregory Goyle. All three of them stared back at her with blank expressions.

She walked slowly, the guard's firm grip on her. Her mind raced. This was not going to be an easy discussion. Hermione hated the fact that Harry and the entire Wizarding World owed big time to Narcissa Malfoy. Narcissa effectively ended the war and sealed Voldemort's defeat when she lied and claimed that Harry was dead so she can go and look for her son at the Battle of Hogwarts. Though the Wizarding World took this move into account and allowed the former Death Eater family its freedom, no one trusted them. Hermione was not about to welcome with open arms to the family that had mocked and taunted her for not being a pure blooded witch. And there was still that matter of her being arrested at Big Daddy's Lucius Malfoy's red carpet entrance. When she left the cell she had not expected the Spanish Inquisition*. She felt terrified but put her game face on.

The guard pushed her into the table and forced her to sit down. "You have ten minutes." With that, the guard left her.

Draco's eyes took in the wild hair and the rumpled, coffee-stained coat.

"Fancy seeing you again Granger. You look exactly as I always remember you."

Great Odin's Raven**, what could she possibly have done to deserve this? Hermione clenched her fists and bit her tongue, mindful of the watchful gaze of the guards. As much as she wanted to smash Malfoy Junior's pointy nose in, it would not do to get into another tussle in jail. She had been warned enough already. She wrapped the very last shreds of her self-control around her.

"And to what _pleasure_ do I owe the chance to see your face again, Malfoy?" she growled.

Narcissa shot her a disapproving look while Draco leaned back into his chair. Goyle just stared blankly, a look she was well familiar with from class. Even now, Draco kept Goyle around as his bodyguard-slash-sidekick. She bit down a chuckle and wondered if there was a category for him at the Slashie Awards***.

"Well Granger, it seems like you love jail so much you would rather stay here, so we'll just decide to go forward and press those charges of you being a threat to Father."

Hermione decided to swallow her pride. So it was game on.

She lowered her head and stared at the cracked and graffiti-covered table. "I am sorry. Please forgive me." She almost choked but held firm.

Draco's look was triumphant. "Excellent. One item off my bucket list!"

Narcissa cut in, giving Draco a look that knocked his smirk off his face. Hermione did not miss the immediate look of supplication before his formidable mother. "Miss Granger, though I am well aware of our family's less than stellar history with you, I hope we can put that behind us to deal with the matter at hand. What were your intentions at my husband's book signing?"

Hermioine turned and faced Narcissa. "I assure you, Madam Malfoy, that this," she gestured the entire room and herself, "was a complete misunderstanding. I had just left King's Cross Station to see my family when I stopped for a coffee and got caught up by that mad crush of women."

Narcissa brought her face closer to Hermione, her voice lowered. "So why would you bring out your wand in front of all these.." she looked around "ahem…muggles?"

Without breaking their gaze, Hermione also spoke with low tones. "At first I just wanted to scourgify my coat in the alley as my coffee had spilled as you can see, and then it was for my personal safety to apparate away as those women nearly trampled me to death." Noting the sceptical looks on both mother and son, Hermione pleaded "I sincerely hope you can believe me."

For the first time in her life, she thought she saw Goyle's eyes flicker. So that's what Goyle looks like when he is thinking.

Draco was on his feet. "Don't believe her mother! Granger, we know this was your chance at payback. A chance to finish us off!"

Goyle, surprisingly, placed a firm hand on Draco's arm and yanked him back down into his chair. Hermione was shocked. She had never known Goyle to have an independent thought and act on it.

"Draco, that's enough. I'll deal with Miss Granger," he drawled.

Hermione's eyes bulged and her hands covered her mouth, repressing her own scream. Narcissa turned and gave a reassuring smile to the guard who began to approach their table. The guard nodded, stepped back, but kept her eyes on them.

Goyle's dull but steady gaze locked on Hermione.

"My, Miss Granger, what was that they call you? The Brightest Witch Of Her Age?" It was beyond creepy seeing Goyle wear that trademark smirk on his lips. She never saw anything else on his face except for pastry crumbs and food. "Surely you would consider that a person of my profile to handle a delicate situation without attracting unwanted publicity?" His eyes roved around the room and settled back on her. "I am not going to insult your intelligence but we know just how delicate this is and I require your co-operation for all of us to get out of here and avoid any unpleasantness with both the Muggle and Magical authorities."

So Lucius polyjuiced himself to look like Goyle and came to see her himself. Hermione's head was spinning. What a day so far. Images of that horrible romance book cover flashed through her mind and mashed with Goyle's face enunciating in that polished manner so characteristic of Lucius. She will never get the mental image of Goyle with flowing blond hair grappling some suppliant woman out of her mind. She forced her attention back to the man in front of her. She was beyond disturbed by this point and knew she was going to have nightmares for a while.

"Mr. Malfoy, you have my attention. What do you wish for me to co-operate with you on?" She hoped it was not going to be anything, well, even more disturbing than seeing him again with his shirt off. Merlin, that was not something she wanted to ever remember. She wondered how Narcissa and Draco were dealing with Lucius' new occupation.

"First of all, please confirm if you are still working with the Order of the Phoenix."

Hermione stared back. "Of course not. I was finishing my last year at Hogwarts. In fact I just got off the train."

Goyle, or rather, Lucius looked hard at her, and then posed his next question. "Are you willing to never disclose our meeting, or rather, my new line of work to anyone?"

So the man was human after all. She snorted her laughter.

"I take that as a no, Miss Granger. In that case, I am afraid I am going to have to obliviate you on our encounter."

Sweet Merlin. A while ago she was begging for this. But there was no way she was going to allow Malfoy to tamper with her mind.

"Absolutely not," she snapped. "If all you are looking for in respect to my co-operation is this, then I will agree to not disclose to anyone in the wizarding world, that you are now peddling trashy smut and posing with your clothes off." _Eat it, Malfoy. _She didn't care anymore about trying to stay on their pleasant side. She was beginning to prefer the brassy blonde to her present company.

Narcissa and Lucius both looked at her with grim expressions. Draco, on the other hand, looked embarrassed. Narcissa nodded at Lucius.

"Then you accept then. I do not need to remind you what I am capable of doing should you break your word."

Hermione looked evenly back at him. "You can ask Draco about my principles. It may shock you that I am a person who actually keeps my word." She couldn't resist. "If you are that _paranoid_ about everyone finding out how you are keeping your Gringott's bank vault full of gold, then we can do an unbreakable vow."

Lucius eyed her carefully and smiled a snakelike smile. Actually it was Goyle's face doing this but it was still very freaky. "Well Miss Granger, I will take you up on that offer. As soon as you are released we will meet you at the Manor for you to make the vow. And in return, to show that I am an appreciative man, I will offer you this - do we have any other unfinished business that needs to be put to rest?"

Unfinished business. Between her and the Malfoys. Where should she start?

A flash of fury passed through her. She recalled the never-ending insults and sneers from both of the Malfoy men. She relived the agony and the pain of the Cruciatus curse while writhing on the floor of their manor home while they stood by and did nothing. She still bore the scars of Narcissa's demented sister Bellatrix carving up her arm when she was interrogating her.

Her eyes narrowed. "I'll show you my unfinished business with you lot." She pulled up the sleeve of her coat. The redness had gone away, but the raised white letters spelling out _Mudblood_ still stood out in stark contrast to the rest of her skin.

Lucius sighed heavily. Hermione's jaw dropped. So did Draco's. For once they actually agreed on something.

Narcissa jumped in. "Miss Granger. Words cannot describe how sorry I am for the way my family has treated you in the past. I apologise for the torture you endured at the hands of my sister."

Narcissa caught Hermione's tense expression and offered her hand. "Please. I know we should have reached out to you before and I am ashamed that it has taken this situation to bring us back together, but please, we ask you for your forgiveness."

Hermione stared down at Narcissa's proferred hand while Draco looked between her face and his mother's face. He looked at a loss.

She formed her words carefully. "Madame Malfoy, I harbour no hard feelings towards you. I am also well aware that I owe the fact that Harry is alive today to you." She kept her eyes on Narcissa. "It is your husband and your son that owe me that apology. Your sister may have left me a scar that will never heal," Hermione at that moment pulled her sleeve down, "but your son and husband have left scars over _years _on the inside of me that will also never go away." She struggled to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

Narcissa's face was flushed.

Hermione looked at Lucius and Draco and smiled thinly. "Once I am released, I will attend to a few personal matters and then you can expect an owl from me advising on when I will arrive at the Manor to make my vow." The guard was now approaching them. The ten minutes were up. She got to her feet. "I will do this for you," she looked first at Narcissa, and then continued with her eyes on both Lucius and Draco, "but I hope never to have to deal with you two ever again."

She then left with the guard, this time the triumphant smile was on her face.

* * *

Author Notes:

You probably noticed already that I am a cinephile. So you will see lots of references throughout my writing. Hope you check them out like a playlist!

* from _Monty Python's Flying Circus_, Series 2 Episode 2, first broadcast 22 September 1970.

** from the great Will Ferrell in _Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy_ (2004)

*** the Best Actor-slash–model award won by Fabio in _Zoolander_ (2001). And not for that other kind of slash!


	4. Chapter 4 - Memento (2000)

Thank you everyone who has been following and supporting this! You guys have been great motivators in my writing. I am still quite new to fan fiction so thank you for joining me on this adventure!

* * *

Chapter 4 – _Memento _(2000)

"Ooh. Look who's back! Can't get enough of us, can you?" The Brassy Blonde pounced as soon as Hermione walked through the cell doors.

Hermione paused. After enduring that Mexican stand-off with the Malfoys, she was at her breaking point in dealing with blondes. However she was smart enough not want to jeopardize her release since it was only moments away. Plus the guards outside the holding cell were watching her. She guessed she must have been building up quite the reputation as someone to keep an eye on.

She decided to ignore Brassy Blonde and kept on walking towards the bench.

Brassy Blonde did not take the snub well. She reached out and grabbed Hermione's arm. "I am still talking to you!"

That did it. Her frayed self-control snapped. Hermione's fist let loose and smacked into the jaw of Brassy Blonde.

Brassy Blonde's entourage leaped into action.

Surrounded, Hermione backed into a corner of the cell. Brassy Blonde threw herself onto Hermione and managed to grab her coat and pull it over her head.

Hermione managed to rip off the stained garment before the women could start kicking her and stood in a coiled, defensive stance, clad now in just a tank top.

Brassy Blonde advanced again and as Hermione blocked her blows, Brassy Blonde caught a glimpse of her scarred arm.

"What the hell is Mudblood?" Brassy Blonde shrieked.

Hermione took that moment to charge into the blonde and she fell, taking down her group with her.

The guards used this moment to barge into the cell. Hermione was knocked face first into the ground, cuffed, and then dragged out. The guards threw her into the adjacent cell. Her coat was tossed in after her.

The guard snarled at her. "Last warning. If you don't behave yourself, we will detain you overnight."

Hermione tried to calm herself down. "Understood. Just keep that woman away from me!"

The guard slammed the door.

"Hey."

Hermione could not believe it. Brassy Blonde was now at the bars, calling to her.

"You are one fierce Princess. We cool?"

For the first time in a very long and hard day, Hermione relaxed.

"Yeah. We cool."

* * *

"ID, Hermione Jean Granger. One leather wallet. One credit card in the name of Hermione Jean Granger. 20 pound sterling note. 5 shillings and 10 pence. Some novelty coins. One miniature dollhouse trunk. And one ornamental pointed stick." The bailiff slid these items through the slot.

Hermione sighed in relief and quickly worked to organize her belongings.

"Miss Granger?"

Hermione looked up. The bailiff looked at her and said, "Be careful with that stick. Don't want to see you again in here because of it. It can be seen as quite dangerous."

Her tone remained steady. "Believe me, this entire situation was a giant misunderstanding."

The bailiff chuckled. "Glad to hear that you were not under the impression that Lucio was a vampire and you were a vampire slayer sent to save the world."

At that Hermione almost choked with laughter. "No, I do not in any way believe that."

The bailiff's look was curious. "What do you use that stick for anyways?"

Hermione was dumb founded. She began to wave her wand around and thought quickly. "Conducting. And this is a one of a kind. So I am quite protective of it."

"Ah. I love the symphony. Hope the next time I see you it will be in a concert hall and not here." His voice was mildly stern.

She smiled back at him. "I hope so too." And with that she left the jail.

* * *

She stood outside the modest little house. Wow, the Ministry had some pull. They even managed to return and settle her parents back into Hermione's childhood home. _Well, this is it._ She took a deep breath and rang the bell.

After a moment, a brown haired woman answered the door. "Yes? May I help you?"

Hermione's eyes welled up. _Oh, Mother._ "Mrs. Wilkins?" she barely got out. That was the assumed name her parents had been using in Australia.

Mrs. Wilkins was on alert. "Yes, that is me. What can I do for you?"

"Is Mr. Wilkins at home as well?"

Mrs. Wilkins looked at Hermione warily. "What is this about?"

Hermione steeled herself. "Mrs. Wilkins, my name is Hermione Granger and there is a matter I need to speak to you and your husband about. May I come in?"

There was a pause and then a gentle, familiar voice echoed, "Monica, who's at the door?"

It took all of Hermione's exhausted self-control to not throw herself at her parents. After the events of the last two years she was in need of deep comfort.

Hermione looked into her mother's deep brown eyes. "Please. I really need to speak with you both. It has to do with your time in Australia."

Mrs. Wilkins hesitated, then opened the door wide to allow her inside.

"Come in then."

Hermione came in and was ushered into the sitting room.

"May I offer you something to drink? Tea?"

Hermione gratefully accepted. "Yes please."

"How do you take it?"

This was so awkward. She had not expected so much formality. "With cream and sugar please."

Monica Wilkins went into the kitchen and busied herself while Wendell Wilkins entered the sitting room.

"Good afternoon. I am Wendell Wilkins." He extended his hand.

Hermione grasped it and fought the urge to break down into an emotional mess. "I am Hermione Granger."

"Nice to meet you." He sat down across from her.

Monica came in with a tea tray and settled it on the coffee table.

"So Miss Granger, what can we do for you today?"

Hermione swallowed. "Well, like I said, my coming here today was in relation to your time in Australia."

Her parents stared at her. Monica nodded, "Yes you had mentioned that. Has something happened that we should know about?"

It was now or never. "Mr. and Mrs. Wilkins, err… I'm not sure how to tell you this, but, I am your daughter."

Her father stared at her. "Pardon me? Is this some kind of joke?"

Hermione rushed on. "Look, I know this is difficult to believe, but please hear me out. Your real names are Paul and Jean Granger*. I am your daughter and to protect you I had to arrange to send you to Australia."

Mr. and Mrs. Wilkins looked at each other. It was apparent that their patience was wearing thin.

Hermione slid her wand into her hand. She had not wanted to do this, but it was becoming clear she had no other choice.

"Please. I assure you I mean you no harm."

Mr. Wilkins got to his feet. "What is the meaning of this?"

Hermione pulled out her wand. Her mother screamed and her father knocked her to the ground, yelling.

Hermione then whispered "Finite Incantatum."

* * *

Author's notes:

* no known record of Hermione's parents' actual names are on file so these were made up on the fly.

Read and review please! Apologies for the tremendous amount of exposition covered, but I promise lots of Malfoy action in the next chapter and onwards. Stay tuned!


	5. Chapter 5 -How To Steal A Million (1966)

Sorry folks for the delay! Been caught up in a major project. Saw an opportunity to write this chapter and update. Please be kind and read and review!

* * *

Chapter 5 - _How To Steal A Million _(1966)

_"Congratulations Mrs. Granger. It's a girl!"_

_"Honey, I am so proud of you. A little girl! Look at all that hair!"_

_The little girl looked back and stared at her two nervous parents._

_"My little girl…" crooned Mrs. Granger. "I am so happy to finally meet you."_

* * *

_"Dear, Hermione just said her first word today!"_

_"Really? What did she say?"_

_"Want."_

_"Want. Wow. Already? What a greedy little girl." Mr. Granger leaned over and ruffled Hermione's curls._

_Hermione pouted. Mrs. Granger watched as her little girl pulled herself into a standing position and stood defiantly before her parents._

_She demanded again "Wand!" _

_"Oh look, she just said it again. Want!"_

_"Haha, that's so cute. My little girl knows what she wants!"_

_"Wand!" Hermione screamed. Mrs. Granger looked over and frowned._

_"Hermione, that's not nice. Gentle voice…"_

* * *

_"We have a very different idea of what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy," the redheaded man in the bookstore said._

_"Clearly," the imposing longhaired blond man responded. His pale eyes were looking at Mr. and Mrs. Granger, sizing them up. Who on earth was this man?_

_"The company you keep, Weasley…and I thought your family could sink no lower-"*_

_Oh my, a fight! Two grown men, brawling in front of a crowd containing children! And reporters!_

_"Hermione, who was that blond man? Why was he looking at us like that?"_

* * *

_"Honey, jump in the water, it's beautiful!"_

_Mrs. Granger dove off the bow of the boat to join her husband in the water. Mr. Granger held a fragrant White Sea Daffodil, also known as Rose of Sharon, that he had plucked from the shore and threaded it into his wife's hair. Saint-Tropez was indeed stunning. As was his wife. He bent his head to her ear and quoted softly from Song of Songs "You are my rose of Sharon, A lily of the valleys. Like a lily among thorns, is my darling among the young women.**" Mrs. Granger giggled and pushed him away, nodding at their daughter._

_Mrs. Granger called out to Hermione who was still up on the ship. "Now isn't this just as magical as your school?"_

_Hermione grinned as she stuffed the last of her lavender macaron into her mouth. "Coming mother!" She dove in and began splashing her mother and father, laughing._

* * *

_"What a lovely name, Monica…and you say you are also from the UK? How long have you been in Australia?" She could not tear her eyes from his intense ones. Oh dear, what would Wendell think? She flushed, grateful for once that her husband was taking an inordinately long time in the loo. Although she was convinced that this was her first time encountering a man with such aristocratic features, she could not help the sense of déjà vu that she has seen those eyes somewhere before…_

_"Er, it seems like it has been a really long time. Years, I think."_

_"Well, perhaps you can help a fellow Brit out? Share with me what you know about the Land Down Under? Besides the fact that women are called Sheilas and men are called Bruces."_

_"Of course, I would love to…"_

* * *

Mr. Wilkins, er, Mr. Granger released Hermione and stumbled into an armchair.

Hermione drew in a shaky breath. Her head was splitting, she looked hopefully between her father and mother, wanting to make sure she had done a clean job of restoring all of the memories she had erased and altered.

Mrs. Granger sat down on the sofa, trembling. She looked at Hermione with tears in her eyes, and opened her arms.

Hermione ran into them and clutched at her mother.

"Hermione…oh, thank God."

"Yes, mother.."

She felt her father's strong arms wrap around them and closed her eyes, enjoying the moment.

* * *

Dinner was difficult, but a success. They discussed the uncomfortable matter of Hermione running off at the age of seventeen and modifying their memories. At first they had been extremely upset with the knowledge that she had played with their minds, but gradually, as Hermione tearfully explained to them the real danger they had been in, they were able to forgive her. It was the most humbling moment of her life. They did however warn her that they wished to be advised on everything and to be more hands on.

"No more letting you just run off to the Weasleys," Mr. Granger admonished, only half jokingly.

Mrs. Granger nodded. "I am so relieved that you are finished with Hogwarts. We barely saw you during the school year as it was and then when you chose to spend your holidays with your wizard friends, well, it hurt. Like you think they are better than us."

Hermione was stunned. She had never considered that her parents would feel that way. "Mum, Dad, I promise to make it up to you. Of course I don't think that wizards are better than you." She looked down in shame. "I promise to never perform any magic on you again, without you knowing about it or discussing with you."

Mr. and Mrs. Granger looked at each other. Mr. Granger took a deep breath. "Ok, 'Mione. We forgive you. But we are holding you to your word."

Hermione was in tears and the whole family held onto each other.

Hermione felt so warm and loved and whole, and most importantly, forgiven. She was content and feeling more relaxed than she ever has in her entire life. Mission accomplished. She gazed in awe at her parents, grateful to have them back in her life. _I will never complain about my parents again._

A twinge from the back of her mind nudged her. Circe. She was supposed to owl the Malfoys. Getting up to help her parents with the dishes, she quickly cleared the dinner plates, loaded the dishwasher, and before she could forget, she went to her old room where she took out her shrunken trunk and pointed her wand at it.

"Engorgio."

Her trunk expanded and she opened it, pulling out a parchment and quill, and laid it on her desk to write her note to the Malfoys.

She heard her mother calling her. "Hermione? Don't you want some dessert?"

"Yes, please. I'll be right down to help you. Just going to the loo!"

Now that she was home she wanted to spend as much time with her family as possible. Malfoys could wait.

Hermione went into the old, familiar upstairs bathroom. Thank goodness nothing had changed. Same familiar pale yellow paint. Same old white and silver medicine cabinet. Same basket holding toilet paper rolls. Same stand containing reading material. Same… Hold on.

Hermione could not believe her eyes. She crouched down, reached into the stand and pulled out the book that had caught her attention. Oh no….

Lucius Malfoy's face looked back at her, shirtless again, clutching that blasted brunette! She swore he was smirking at her from the book cover. And the "Over A Million Copies Sold" banner was not helping things. She cringed, remembering the female horde at the book signing.

"Mother? Is this your book?" Hermione was afraid to hear the answer.

"Which book, dear?"

Hermione came downstairs, holding the book gingerly. She felt contaminated, touching it.

"Oh, well, yes dear. I love Lucio!" Mrs. Granger took the book from Hermione's hands and hugged it.

"Mother!" Hermione shrieked.

"Don't be so shocked dear. Yes, I admit I do enjoy the odd romance now and then. I don't only read Malcolm Gladwell or Noam Chomsky books."

Mr. Granger had a wry smile on his face. "Although sometimes I wish you did." He turned to his daughter. "Hermione, I know just how you feel…"

Mrs. Granger turned to her husband. "Well, sometimes I wish you were Lucio!" She gazed at the cover and sighed.

Mr. Granger and Hermione were shocked. Even shattered.

"Mother, you could not mean that…"

"I do. When I read his book, I feel like he has put my soul on paper. All of my thoughts and desires… I feel like he knows me."

Mr. Granger pulled away from his wife. "What has gotten into you? Where is this coming from?"

Oh sweet Merlin. This was not happening. Why on earth must the Malfoys ruin everything again?

Mrs. Granger behaviour had indeed changed once she had caught sight of the book. Hermione was immediately suspicious but knew she had to tread carefully.

"Mother, may I have a look at the book?"

Mrs. Granger eyed her daughter. "What do you want to do with it?" she asked, suspiciously.

"Nothing mother, I just want to take a look at it." Hermione was convinced that Lucius Malfoy had cast some sort of dark spell to bewitch all women to buy his book. Yes, that's the answer! The only logical answer to explain why her dentist mother was acting like this!

Mr. Granger was silently in agreement with his daughter. There was definitely something strange going on.

"Mother, could you please just lay the book on the table? I promise I won't touch it."

Mr. Granger nodded. "Honey, just put the book down." He tried to distract her as he watched Hermione pull her wand out again. This time he trusted her.

Mrs. Granger looked at the two of them. "Ok but don't do anything to this book. This is my favourite book."

Hermione pulled out her wand. Mrs. Granger made to leap in front of the book but Mr. Granger held her back.

Mrs. Granger was in tears. "Stop!" She struggled in vain against her husband.

"Don't worry mother, please trust me." She pointed her wand at the book. "Specialis Revelio!"

The Grangers stared at the book, which lit up briefly, shimmered, then returned to its normal state.

Hermione breathed a sigh of relief. "Don't worry Dad, it is just a paperback after all."

Mrs. Granger snatched her book back. "How dare you?"

Hermione reached out towards her mother. "I had to check to make sure it was safe. It is safe. I am not afraid of the book anymore. You can keep it."

Mrs. Granger sighed. "I confess Hermione, I am still not used to seeing you perform magic. The whole magic thing is frightening."

Mr. Granger, however, was still not satisfied. He pried the book from his wife's hands. "What does this man have that I don't?" He began to flip through it.

Mrs. Granger turned to her daughter, who was stunned at seeing her parents interact in this way.

"Honey, don't get me wrong, I still love your father," Mr. Granger snorted as he skimmed some of the pages of the book, "but sometimes men don't understand how to be romantic and this is where Lucio fits in."

Hermione wanted to cover her ears and die. "Mother, there is something I need to tell you about Lucio…"

Mr. Granger began shouting. "Honey, have you really read this?"

Mrs. Granger was annoyed. "Of course, it's my favourite book!"

Mr. Granger began to read from the book. Hermione wanted to cover her ears and block out whatever drivel Lucius may have written to drive his female fans crazy, but at the same time, was curious as to why on earth her father was reading it out loud.

"The poor but handsome farmer offered Monique the only thing he had an abundance of – the fragrant sea daffodil flowers that graced his otherwise barren land. He threaded it into her hair and whispered to her _'You are my rose of Sharon, A lily of the valleys. Like a lily among thorns, is my darling among the young women.'_

Monique gazed back at the man standing waist deep in the water…"

Mr. Granger looked up. "Jean, you wrote this. This is your writing."

Hermione's head snapped up. "What?!"

Mrs. Granger stared back. "No, I don't write. I never have."

Mr. Granger looked at Hermione and then back to his wife grimly. "Yes you did. You used to torture me by reading out loud excerpts from your novel and then tell me to act more like your romantic hero because this is how you fantasize about me."

This time Hermione did cover her ears. "Too much information, Dad!"

Mrs. Granger looked at her husband like he was the insane one. "Of course I don't write. I could never write like….Lucio."

Hermione grabbed the book from her father and opened it. She saw the black scrawl across the inside cover. Dear God, it was autographed. "To my dearest Monica, I will always think of you. Love, Lucio."

"Mother, when did you meet Lucio?" Hermione was panicking now.

Her mother looked off into the distance, dreamily. "We met in a beautiful little resto in Sydney while the sun was setting. I helped him get his bearings in Australia."

Mr. Granger turned and looked in horror at his wife. "What did you just say?"

Mrs. Granger nodded. "Yes, we had met in Australia. He told me about his aspirations to be a great writer and when he finally got his book published he gave me the very first copy. Hot off the press too!"

Hermione turned to her father. "Dad, did mother ever talk about this? Did she ever mention Lucio?"

Her father looked at her, worried now. "No, never. In fact when I first saw that book I wondered where it came from. I don't think I ever noticed that it had been autographed…"

Hermione's lips curled into a sneer. "I think I know what happened. And I'm going to go and set this right."

She ran outside the house, with her father shouting after her, to the closest apparition point. Lucius Malfoy had some explaining to do.

* * *

"Malfoy!" Hermione banged her fists at the wrought iron gates guarding Malfoy Manor. She had never in a million years thought she would end up visiting this terrible place again.

Crack! Draco Malfoy appeared before Hermione on the other side of the gate. He sneered at her. "Thought you were going to send us an owl to tell us when you were coming over."

Hermione tried to calm down. She had to get inside and she knew the only way in was to play nice.

"Malfoy. I know I was supposed to send you an owl but something urgent has come up and I need to speak with your father." He still looked at her. "_Please,_ Draco." She was desperate.

Draco looked at her. "Now is not a good time. Come back tomorrow."

Hermione thought quickly. "Actually, I wanted to do the vow as soon as possible. I'm sure your father would agree. Cut down on the chance of me opening my mouth about his new _job_, and all that."

Draco stared at her, and then pulled out his wand. He muttered an incantation and the gates opened for her. Her ploy had worked!

"Follow me, Granger, and don't go anywhere except where I tell you to."

Careful to appear submissive, she followed Draco into the imposing manor.

Inside the manor looked exactly the same as she remembered it. Circe, there it was. That imposing room where Bellatrix had tortured her and left her with her scar as a souvenir. Draco noticed it too and turned his head quickly to monitor her reaction, and looked down again, ashamed. He urged Hermione to move on faster. Hermione held her head high, and focused on her mother. Her anger will not allow her to go to pieces. They kept moving down the hall when she noticed one room with bright light shining through the cracks of the door. She could hear voices in there.

"So Granger, if you don't mind waiting in here until my father's ready to see you…"

In a flash, Hermione was at the door to the brightly lit room. Her hand was on the knob, turning it.

Draco turned and yelled, "Granger, don't go in there!"

Too late. Hermione was inside.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Once again, Hermione's shrieks reverberated throughout Malfoy Manor.

* * *

Author's Notes:

* Excerpt paraphrased from _Harry Potter And The Chamber of Secrets_, by J.K. Rowling, copyrighted 1998, Bloomsbury Publishing.

** _Song of Songs Chapter 2, verse 1-2._


	6. Chapter 6 - Inside Man (2006)

Ok folks, lots of references in this chapter. And at the bottom, actual visual references. Check them out if you dare… And thanks again for all of the follows, reviews, and the encouragement!

* * *

Chapter 6 – _Inside Man_ (2006)

She understood. She related. And she felt. As her howl escaped from the innermost part of her soul, she finally got it.

When Hermione had gone to Saint-Tropez on holiday with her parents during the summer break from Hogwarts, she had taken some Greek tragedies with her for some light reading while lazing on the yacht her parents had chartered. Heck, she had spent the school year reading textbooks, she could very well take some time to relax and do some recreational reading.

She had brought Sophocles' _Oedipus Rex_ with her and thought it was the most pretentious, overwrought, and over-sensationalized piece of trash she had ever read. After finishing the book she had tossed it away in disgust, and wondered why it was considered such a classic.

As she stood frozen in the middle of the brightly lit room in Malfoy Manor, lines from Oedipus' tragic speech haunted her, just before he blinded himself with his own dead mother's brooches:

"You will no longer see  
all those atrocious things I suffered,  
the dreadful things I did! No. You have seen  
those you never should have looked upon,  
and those I wished to know you did not see.  
So now and for all future time be dark!"*

She too wanted to rip her eyeballs from her sockets and do anything to erase that terrible image standing before her which is now forever branded in her brain.

It was interesting that it had taken a disaster of epic proportions in the same place of her torture for Hermione to finally grasp the beauty and the lyrical realism of Sophocles' writing that captured Oedipus' horror and grief.

Yes, she had endured terrible horrors at the hands of the Death Eaters that had occupied Malfoy Manor. However that had been a walk in the park compared to the horrific apparition that now stood before her.

She barely noticed the frantic man that ran in front of her, waving a clipboard in her face as she stood there, stupefied.

"Cut! Cut! Who is this girl and how the hell did she get in here?"

Hay. There was hay on the floor. Bales of hay were scattered around the room. Some were stacked two or three high.

Hermione's fractured mind gradually pulled itself together.

"I'm so sorry, I had tried to get her to wait outside…"

Dimly she recognized Draco's apologetic voice. Her eyes drifted back to the stray pieces of hay that that she was stepping on.

"Merlin's Beard, Father!" Hermione felt Draco's hand brush past her arm as it rushed to his face, covering his eyes.

She kept staring down. Don't look up, she told herself. If you don't look up, you will not see what is standing on the bales of hay.

"Oh, come on. I don't have all evening." A female's whiny voice cut into her mind. "Can we just finish this? This thing is killing me!"

The man with the clipboard pushed her, trying to steer her out the door.

Oh sweet Merlin, no….

She saw it. There it was, mocking her. Perched on a bale of hay, Lucius Malfoy's bare leg had intruded into her view. In her rush to try to get it out of her sight, she stumbled, and unfortunately got an even bigger eyeful – a close up view of his bare _hip_ and _right pectoral_.**

Where was a pair of brooches to blind her eyes when she needed them?

Thankfully, Adrian pulled her back to her feet and started to try to steer her away but her body would not cooperate. She covered her eyes and whimpered.

That brunette, clad in a corset and torn skirt was kneeling before him, facing away from him (Oh thank Merlin! Hermione was already traumatized enough) and was rearranging the tattered fabric before the cameras.

Another woman waving a mobile phone came forward. She hollered, "Adrian! We need to get back on schedule. If we go into overtime, all of the meal penalties are coming out of your pocket! Hans is waiting!"

Hermione lifted her face from her hands and finally noticed the light stands, filters, and a very impatient looking man holding a camera.

Hans was furious. "No no no! Start again! Rethink it!"***

The woman was yelling, "ADRIAN!"

Adrian tried to shoo Hermione out the door with his clipboard.

At that moment, Lucius Malfoy's clipped tones pierced through the pandemonium. "That's quite alright, I was expecting Miss Granger to drop by. Draco, please escort Miss Granger to a seat and I will speak with you both as soon as I am done. Now, Hans, I am all yours."

Numbly, Draco led Hermione to a set of table and chairs away from the crew and they both sat down, staring at the tabletop, not daring to look up or at each other. Awkward tension filled the space between them.

Hans' affected tones filled the room. "Now Lucio, you are bathing in the stream when you spot your beautiful neighbour Cindy approaching with her laundry. You quickly hide yourself behind a bale of hay. She goes down by the stream, washing her clothes, then takes her own outer clothing off and washes them. You watch her. When Cindy goes to leave, she drops a handkerchief. She kneels down to pick it up, and that is when you finally seek to make your escape. As you move past her, her lovely skin overtakes you and you cannot resist reaching out and touching this vision. You place both your hands on her shoulders as she swoons from the contact."

Hermione grimaced. Was the man serious? Draco dropped his head into his arms on the table and tried to cover his ears. Hermione peeked at him. This was certainly a first. For once she empathized with him.

"Now Lucio, Cindy, let's take it from there," Hans lifted his camera to his face.

Click! Flash! Click! Click!

"That's it Lucio, nice and strong! Cindy, lift your right shoulder a bit. Just go. Mouth open, yes, good. Yes, very tasty, I like it, I like it! Go on! Love for me, love for me…love on YES! YES!"***

Hermione suppressed a giggle. Draco looked at her, annoyed, but was surprised to see her grinning back at him.

"Alright, change position. Come on Lucio, you're an animal! Yes, there we go. You're a tiger!**** Cindy, come on, work, work work!"***

Hermione leaned over and whispered to Draco, "I have to admit, I never thought I would ever see your dad like this. I mean, he was Voldemort's right hand man!" Draco shot her a dirty look.

"Cindy, love, turn your right cheek in. We need your head to cover up Lucio's crotch."

Hermione spluttered and snorted. Even Draco began cracking up.

Hans stood up and hollered. "THAT'S IT! GET OFF MY SET!" Adrian ran over to the giggling pair.

Draco stood up and dragged Hermione out of the room while Adrian shut the door behind them.

Hermione and Draco both crumpled on the hallway floor, howling in laughter.

"Very tasty! I like it! Love for me!" Hermione mimicked.

"Merlin's Beard, I had no idea what my dad goes through when he is at work," Draco choked out. "You're an animal! You're a tiger!? Next time he is mad at me I am going to remember that one!" Draco doubled over.

Sobered, Hermione remembered who she was with. Apparently so did Draco.

"Draco, how _did_ your dad end up becoming a male romance cover model?" Hermione asked, genuinely curious. She pulled herself up into a sitting position, leaning against the wall.

Draco tilted his head back against the wall. "It's a really long story," he sighed.

Hermione shrugged. "I've got time."

Draco looked at her. "You really want to know?"

Hermione nodded. "I do. For crying out loud, how did the fearsome Death Eater Lucius Malfoy turn into…" she bit her tongue, wanting to spare Draco, then whispered, "that?"

Draco ran his hands through his hair. "I'm telling you, you are not going to like what I have to say."

"When have I ever liked what you have to say?"

"True." He smirked at her, and then grew sober again. "It started right after the war. The Ministry of Magic froze our bank account at Gringotts. No one trusted us. The light side didn't believe we had really stopped following Voldemort, while everyone we used to associate with saw us as betrayers. Kind of hard to find honest employment in an environment like that."

Hermione had an idea that the Malfoys had been treated like pariahs since the end of the war, but she did not know that they had become paupers.

"The Ministry froze your assets? Really?"

Draco was blunt. "They told us they were being merciful by leaving us the Manor. At least we still have a roof over our heads. Quite frankly I think it is because they know no one would ever buy it, given that it used to be the Dark Lord's headquarters. And the place of torture for many people, including yourself."

Hermione frowned. Draco noticed.

"Come on Hermione. They had to make sure that when we're not playing 'Lord of the Manor,' we're not off financing revolutions."***** The bitterness was evident in his voice.

Hermione faced him and looked him in the eye. "Well. Whose side are you on?"

Draco stared. "Granger. Don't you remember what my mother did?"

Hermione stared evenly back. "Yes, I know what your mom did. But what about you?"

Now it was Draco's turn to frown. "This isn't about sides. It's about what's best for my family and me. And right now we are only thinking about survival."

Hermione gave him a snakelike smile. Oh, this indeed karmic payback. "So I guess that explains why you Malfoys are now living in the muggle world?" She tsked. "Whatever would Abraxas Malfoy think of that?" she asked, haughtily.

Draco gritted his teeth. "I am sure you can guess."

Hermione pressed on. "So that does not explain how your father is being photographed mostly undressed in the next room, posing for really bad stories."

"My father is an honourable man!" Draco declared. "In spite of everything that has happened, he is still determined to provide for us and to keep us together. You have no idea, Granger, of what we are going through, so stop judging me!"

Hermione narrowed her eyes at him. "Oh, don't even start with me on that. You are the one that taught me how to judge."

The two stared down one another, and they both whipped their wands out at each other. Just at that moment, the door opened, and both Hermione and Draco quickly hid their wands. Adrian's face poked out. "Oh, there you are Draco. Lucio said he will be finished in about 20 minutes and wants to see you in the library. And please make sure Miss Granger goes with you." He disappeared back into the room. As the door closed, Hermione could hear Hans shouting "Give it to me!"***

Draco got to his feet and held his hand out to Hermione. "Truce?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"Why?" Hermione shot back.

"Because I think there is something you can help me with. Come on, let's get to the library because I don't think we will have much more time to talk."

Hermione ignored his hand, but got to her feet.

"This way. Follow me." He led her down another hallway towards a set of double doors. As they walked, Draco spoke softly.

"Just to be clear, Granger, I too remember that I owe you, Potter and Weasley a life debt. You three saved me from that fire in the Room of Requirement."

Hermione recalled Draco's terrified face, hanging off a tower of junk as flames surrounded him. She shivered.

"Alright." She extended her hand. "Truce. So what do you want to talk to me about?"

Draco shook her hand formally. "Just because I am accepting living in the muggle world does not mean I enjoy my dad being known in it as the currently reigning "Female Lust Object." He grimaced at the title.

"Well, I too have something to tell you. You're father owes his current title to my mother. And I am here to stop him from exploiting her."

Draco stared back at Hermione. "What are you talking about?"

"I am talking about his book. My mother wrote that, and he stole it from her, and obliviated her. Your father offered me the chance to settle all debts, well, I am here to collect."

Draco, surprisingly, gave Hermione a twisted smile. "That sounds like something my father would do. So you're telling me your own mother wrote a smut novel? Tsk, tsk, Granger. Pot calling the kettle black?"

Hermione was not amused. "Alright, _Malfoy_, you've got me there, but it's still stealing!"

Draco smirked. "You know Granger, understand this. For once, I'm on your side. I will help you stop my father. And in return, you do something for me. You help me to start a respectable career in the muggle world. Deal?"

Hermione was shocked, but grasped his hand and pumped it up and down.

"Deal."

* * *

Author's Notes:

* Sophocles' _Oedipus Rex_, lines 1516-1521. Translation by Ian Johnston of Malaspina University-College, Nanaimo, BC (now Vancouver Island University). Text to the play can be found at https:DOUBLEFORWARSLASHrecordsDOTv iuDOTcaFORWARDSLASH~johnstoiFORWARDSLASHsophocle sFORWARDSLASHoedipusthekingD OThtm

** The book cover that inspired this chapter (and really, the entire story!) Click only if you dare, because this is terribly brain bleach worthy. Or prepare to fall on the floor laughing… Starring the fabulous Fabio http:DOUBLEFORWARDSLASHwwwDOTroma ncebookcoversDOTcomFORWARDSL ASHmandreamsFORWARDSLASHmano fdreams02DOThtml

*** Michelangelo Antonioni's _Blow-Up_ (1966) –photo-shooting scenes starring David Hemmings can be found here: http:DOUBLEFORWARDSLASHwwwDOTyout ubeDOTcomFORWARDSLASHwatch?v=b8ArHxmELYg

Featuring Verushka http:DOUBLEFORWARDSLASHwwwDOTyout ubeDOTcomFORWARDSLASHwatch?v=wygqlfUoJEs

**** Yeah Baby! It's _Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me_ (1999)

***** Ok, I could not resist borrowing from Guy Ritchie's _Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels _(1998). I admit from day one I was looking for a way to slip this one in :)


End file.
